I can’t bring myself to explain or excuse the bad luck and frustrations I’ve been having this year.
It’s like everything came crashing down. Slowly. Torturing me.
I need something and I don’t know what.
Everything. Just sucks.
My mind has been blank, surprisingly. It doesn’t talk to me anymore. It’s like something inside me has left.
I feel like I’ve been back on depression but has been avoiding it and excusing it with superficial events.
What. In the FUCK has happened to me.
Making a large pot of soup at 4:30 A.M.
Cleaning out and switching my purse,
Picking out a set of clothes to wear for tomorrow,
Mopping up that stain on the kitchen floor,
Switching out bath products in my shower,
Organizing my crystals,
Washed the sinkful of dishes,
Pondering on whether or not to watch another episode of the walking dead…
or do that damn project.
Unrequited love, that is.
Knowing that he, nor anyone will never love me back.
And I wonder why I was put into this earth for…
I have so much love to give…
But everyone has been taking so much for it.
And I feel like I’m running out.
I’ve turned so harsh and different.
And I feel so ugly.
Why.
And I feel like I’m already falling in love with you.
It’s crazy how much I actually like you.
Idk what’s wrong with me or why I feel this way,
But I’m glad you like me too.
Mister…
You’re evoking the good in me.
I sure as fuck hope that you won’t end up disliking me.
Even though I’m already everything you would and could resent.
I hope I won’t smother you.
Suffocate you.
Restrict you.
Overwhelm you.
With my love…
You know I have a lot to offer,…
I just want the same to return.
I just need you to love me too.
Because I feel that I’m going to.
I’m so god damn livid,
I can’t even.
NO. THIS IS THE MANY REASONS WHY I HAVE NO FRIEND. WHY IM SO DEPRESSED. WHY I CRAVE ATTENTION FROM PEOPLE. WHY I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
WHY I GODDAMN JUST WANT TO DIG MY OWN FUCKING GRAVE AND CRAWL INTO THAT HOLE AND DIE.
THIS. IS. WHY.
You can’t trust anyone. Anything. Not even yourself. You can’t trust, because THAT SHIT DOESN’T EXIST.
I WANT. I WISH. To have somebody. Someone. To just not judge me and just love me for what I am.
What I can be.
Love me for me.
Because I am myself and nobody else.
Because you can’t find me anywhere else.
Because I can be yours and you can be mine and we can love ourselves.
Because we wouldn’t have to give a single flying fuck about anyone else.
Because we need love.
And we can unconditionally love each other and that would be enough.
Is that so much to ask, life?…
